A Contemporary Paraphrase of Acts 19:21-41

After all this had come to a head, John decided it was time to move on to California and Nebraska, and from there to Arizona. "Then," he said, "I'm off to Washington. I've got to see Washington!" He sent two of his assistants, Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham, on to Pennsylvania while he stayed for a while and wrapped things up in Ohio.

But before he got away, a huge ruckus occurred over what was now being referred to as "the Christian Right. A certain environmentalist, Al Gore, conducted a brisk trade in the manufacture of shrines to (and sales of carbon credits for) the goddess Global Warming, employing a number of artisans in his business. He rounded up his workers and others similarly employed and said, "Men, you well know that we have a good thing going here— and you've seen how John has barged in and discredited what we're doing by telling people that there's no such thing as global warming. A lot of people are going along with him, not only here in Tennessee but all through America and the world.

"Not only is our little business in danger of falling apart, but the temple of our famous goddess Global Warming will certainly end up a pile of rubble as her glorious reputation fades to nothing. And this is no mere local matter—the whole world worships Global Warming!"

That set them off in a frenzy. They ran into the street yelling, "Great Global Warming! Carbon Credits! They put the whole city in an uproar, stampeding into the stadium, and grabbing two of John’s associates on the way, the candidates Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul. John wanted to go in, too, but the disciples wouldn't let him. Prominent religious leaders in the city (Rick Warren and such) who had become friendly to John concurred: "By no means go near that mob!"

Some were yelling one thing, some another. Most of them had no idea what was going on or why they were there. As the McCainites pushed Sarah Palin to the front to try to gain control, different factions clamored to get her on their side. But she brushed them off and quieted the mob with an impressive sweep of her arms. But the moment she opened her mouth and they knew she was a Christian, they shouted her down: "Great Global Warming! Carbon Credits!"—on and on and on, for over two hours.

Finally, the town clerk got the mob quieted down and said, "Fellow citizens, is there anyone anywhere who doesn't know that our dear city Washington is protector of glorious Global Warming and her sacred image that fell straight out of heaven? Since this is beyond contradiction, you had better get hold of yourselves. This is conduct unworthy of Global Warming. These men you've dragged in here have done nothing to harm either our temple or our goddess.

"So if Al Gore and his guild of artisans have a complaint, they can take it to the Supreme Court and make all the accusations they want. If anything else is bothering you, bring it to the regularly scheduled session of Congress or the Senate and let it be settled there. After all, he has a large, ignorant following there amongst pseudo-environmentalists who want to avoid losing the Greenie's vote and support. There is no excuse for what's happened today. We're putting our city in serious danger. Liberal America, remember, does not look kindly on rioters because it marginalizes them." With that, he sent them home.